


the silhouette of a man after a fire

by sidonay



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fire, Freeform, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 05:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14610528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidonay/pseuds/sidonay
Summary: I don’t know how this happened.Caleb could write a book about his life with that title. It would be a thousand pages long.





	the silhouette of a man after a fire

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this pretty much _immediately_ after Episode 18 ended so, if you haven't seen it, you might want to wait until you do before you read this. Major spoilers ahoy.

One two three. One two three four.

Caleb is a child. Caleb is an adult.

Caleb is fifteen years old and his hands are on fire.

Caleb is older and his whole body is engulfed in flames.

 

— — — —

 

 

Six five four. Three two one.

Some day, Caleb is going to count to ten and everything will be alright.

Every morning he tries it, and every morning he always stops before he gets to _ten_.

Everything will not be alright. He's not ready for it to be.

Despite that, there _is_  some part of him that wants to be better. He _wants_  that. It scares him and what terrifies him even more is that the part of him that wants it speaks those words in the voice of his mother.

 

— — — —

 

One two. One two three four five.

There are times when he sleeps (there are times when he _doesn’t_ and oh don’t those times ache, every bone in his body is brittle, every muscle is like tight wires wrapped around each other how does he live like this, how does he _live_ ) where he dreams of nothing. Not that he _doesn’t dream—_ there is, instead, an emptiness in his head. There's a void. It is everywhere around him. It is him.

There is who he used to be. There is a hole. And then there is who he is now.

Sometimes, he wishes he could go back to that hole but he only finds it when he sleeps.

 

— — — —

 

One two three. One two.

They lived on the floor of a cabin in the woods. It smelled of smoke and old pine. There was laughter somewhere under the dirt, buried out back like an animal without a grave marker. The foundation shook with rage. There was so much anger in there that, sometimes, Caleb wondered if it could burn all on it’s own without his help.

In the beginning, he hoped that it would. At the end, he hoped it would, too. The only difference was that, the second time, he wanted to be inside it while it turned to ash.

 

— — — —

 

One. One. One.

Caleb hears the man's voice when he’s alone.

( _No. Wrong. Try it again._

_They’re traitors. They’re dissenters. Listen to me. There is no world out there. There is only here. There is only now._

_No. You’re not listening. Repeat after me. Say it twenty times and then say it twenty more._

_Try again. You aren’t doing it right._

_You should be ashamed. You should be ashamed._ )

Caleb is alone a lot.

 

— — — —

 

One two three. One two three.

Nott tells him that he doesn’t have to tell her what he’d done (like she knew, like she somehow knew he hadn't simply _been through something difficult_ like he'd told her when they first met), but she would be there for him no matter what it was. _Thank you_ , he says and then turns his back on her. He turns his back on the fire they had made to keep them warm and he doesn’t want to, he should never _never_ —

He rolls over on his blanket, adjusts his position and feels tears in his eyes.

 _No matter what it was_.

Unforgivable. Unforgivable.

There is no forgiveness for what he’s done.

 

— — — —

 

One two. One two three four five six.

Fire is hungry and it has an appetite that could not be satiated.

It ate and ate and ate and it grew bigger and bigger and still it wanted more.

He taught them to be the same. He taught them to be hungry.

_Feed us, please. We want more._

Caleb’s stomach growls some nights and he’s unsure if it’s food that he’s craving or something else entirely.

 

— — — —

 

One two three. One two.

He likes them to be clean. They bathe twice a day and nobody asks where the water comes from.

Nobody asks why.

Can’t forget to scrub behind the ears.

 

— — — —

 

Five six seven. Seven eight— Nein.

They pass by a cabin abandoned in the woods. It’s not even in the right place. It doesn’t look the same. He walks past a cabin abandoned in the woods and then he and Nott are suddenly in a small town. He does not know how they got there, but Nott tells him it'll be okay.

He burns a man in a cavern. It’s a stranger. Unlike the cabin, this looks the same. A purple hand slaps him, presses lips to his forehead, and it’s just barely enough to bring him back but it doesn’t last. He burns a man and then he and his new companions are in a small town. He does not know how he got there, and they don't seem to know what to say.

 _I don’t know how this happened_.

He could write a book about his life with that title. It would be a thousand pages long.

 

— — — —

 

One two three. One two three four five six seven eight.

Caleb is just a boy. Caleb is not a boy for very long.

Caleb is seventeen years old and his entire life is burnt.

Caleb is older and he stands in a room full of friends who keep offering him water to douse the flames.

 

— — — —

 

One two three. One two three four five six seven eight nine—

Caleb takes a knife to his gut and spills his insides out in front of Nott.

She looks at him when it’s over. She hugs him.

—Ten.

Everything will be alright.

Everything will be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> Whoo boy. This is weird and definitely not how my fics usually are, but I guess this is just how this one needed to come out. I promise you that I'm currently working on another much, much longer fic that's going to, at the very least, be a lot more fun to read than this was.
> 
> Despite being told a lot of backstory, I still made a few embellishments of my own because that's just who I am.


End file.
